You're Welcome

"You're Welcome" is the tenth song from the West End version of ''Heathers the Musical. ''It replaces "Blue", a song from the original Off-Broadway production.

Reason for Change
In “You’re Welcome”, Veronica must fend off Kurt and Ram’s advances. It was initially only used in Heathers 101 (high school edition) instead of “Blue”, but now replaces “Blue” in all productions. In an interview with Playbill, the writers explain:

"By the time you read this, the song “Blue” will have been retired. We’re now in the process of replacing the song for all future amateur and professional productions. It has been replaced by the far superior song “You’re Welcome,” which we wrote for the Heathers High School Edition. Some fans miss “Blue,” so we might as well say a word about it.

Although it was fun to write and it’s fun to perform, “Blue” has always been polarizing. Some thought “Blue" was wonderful and all in good fun. Others were offended, feeling we were treating date rape as a laughing matter. It went onto our list of things we knew we needed to alter or replace. As happens in musicals, you reach a point at which you’ve run out of rehearsal time and are forced to lock the show as is. That’s what happened with “Blue.” For us, the main issue with “Blue” is that it was lazy. It’s a variation on that old musical theatre trope, the “list song” and it lacked any real or human insight into the idea of date rape and the culture of teenage male entitlement that allows it to exist. Additionally, the fact that the number often plays successfully makes it dangerous. It plays into the lie that sexual harassment or assault can be trivialized as “locker room talk” or “boyish antics.”

Unlike “Blue,” “You’re Welcome” doesn’t shy away from showing that Veronica is in real danger from these two drunk football jocks. In “Blue”, Veronica says about three words total. In “You’re Welcome” she gets to articulate her fear and her dilemma, and then she gets to solve her problem and score a victory over her tormentors. We’ve tried to do a better job with “You’re Welcome,” and we hope audiences agree as Heathers moves into the next phase of its life."

Lyrics
 [KURT] Aw, you can't just leave...

[RAM] Not when you're dressed like that...

[VERONICA] Dressed like what? This is what I always wear

[KURT] Yeah and it's torture!

[RAM] How can you expect us to control ourselves when you look like that?

[VERONICA] Dear Diary Here we are in the dark fifty yards from my car I could climb that tree, I'd never get that far... They're a hundred pounds heavier, they have my keys I'm a rat in a trap, correction: I'm the cheese

[KURT] Hey there girl, ignore this fool He tries to play cool while he’s dribbling drool

[RAM] Just trying to say in our friendly way That you’ve gotten hotter like every day

[KURT] OW!!

[RAM] Hey there girl, avoid this punk He’s hungry for a hunk of the junk in your trunk

[KURT] There is no lie, that dog won’t try When a tasty treat like you walks by, cause

[RAM AND KURT] Once, you were geeky and nerdy Now you’re flirty, freaky, and dirty

[KURT] You were nothing and nobody..

[RAM] ...but now you’re good enough to

[KURT/RAM] Get with me! HUH!

You’re welcome, look where you are You’re welcome, you’ve won a football star! You’re welcome

[RAM] Baby, what's that smell?

[KURT] That's the smell of me lovin' you well

[BOTH] You're welcome!

[They both "beat-box"]

[VERONICA] This is not a drill This is not a bad dream In a cow pasture, no one can hear you scream Never break their stare, stay awake, stay aware You're not in real danger 'til they grab your hair

[RAM] Come back girl, now don’t play hurt If you don’t want me starin’, why you wearin’ that skirt?

[KURT] We can’t be tamed and we can’t be blamed It’s all your fault that we’re inflamed!

[KURT/RAM] Cause once, you were grody and grotty

[RAM] Now you’ve got a body like a Maserati!

[KURT/RAM] Stroke my fur, make me purr-

[KURT] Hey! You wanted to be

[KURT/RAM] Popular!

[KURT] Hit me!

[RAM] HUH!

[BOTH] You’re welcome, look where you are You’re welcome, come get your football star You’re welcome

[RAM] You've joined the pros!

[KURT] Once we squeeze you You'll stay "squoze"

[RAM] You’re welcome in my lap, welcome on my knee

[KURT] Well, come on and get grabby in the grass with me!

[VERONICA] I got one last chance to save my ass What was that move from my self-defence class?

[RAM] I’ll steal your heart like a thief Bring you sweet relief

[KURT] Call me Wendy cause you never wonder

[KURT/RAM] ‘Where’s the beef?’

[VERONICA] They're a powder keg So don't yell or beg Stay friendly Then gently, accidentally sweep the leg

[KURT] Ah! This mud stinks!

[RAM] Ugh, gross!

[VERONICA] You’re welcome...

[KURT] Back up fool, you reek!

[VERONICA] You’re welcome...

[RAM] Well, you smell like a sewage leak

[VERONICA] You’re welcome...  [KURT] Wait, dude I'm pretty sure This ain't mud- it's

[KURT/RAM] COW MANURE!

[VERONICA] You’re welcome!

[KURT/RAM] Ah, it's everywhere!

[VERONICA] You’re welcome

[KURT/RAM] Hold on, it's in my hair!

[VERONICA] You’re well-

[KURT/RAM] Hey, girl Now let's not dwell I'mma smell You can tell I can still be lovin' you well!

[VERONICA] Swell!

[KURT/RAM] No, I'll be lovin' her well!

[VERONICA] See you in Hell!

[KURT/RAM] No, I'll be lovin' her well! No, I'll be- I'll be- I'll be- I'll be- Lovin' lovin' lovin' lovin' lovin' her well! You're welcome! You're welcome!

[ALL] You're welcome!